How do you handle your pathetic life?
How do you deal with your husband, who is cheating on you with your sister
What are you doing about your teen-age daughter who’s been drawing pentagrams on
school walls and hanging out with a bunch of 20-something crack-heads?
Are you still drinking too much and saying stupid things at parties and PTA meetings?
Why are you and your obese three-year-old at Burger King instead of the gym?
Is your mother in rehab again?
Questions nobody would ever ask, right?
Well, questions I’ve never asked.
Never would.
How do you handle that?
What’s wrong with your kid?
Is he retarded?
Is he, like, a retard?
What about your other kids – are they special ed. too?
Will he ever be able to have a normal life?
Is he on welfare?
Did you know he was going to be like this before he was born?
Why did you keep having kids after you found out there was something wrong with
him?
Questions nobody would ever ask?
Wrong.
These are some of the questions I’ve been asked regarding my son with Asperger’s.
By supposedly intelligent – mostly sober adults.
Because I’m always blown away by ignorance, I could never figure out what to say at a given moment, that would effectively put these people in their place.
What do you say to someone who verbalizes stupidity?
Where in the name of Emily Post are good manners?
In an effort to enlighten – for my aim is always to educate and/or uplift……..
Well, it is……
I am going to give answers (sort of) and instructions for those who wish to know
and who, in the future, dare to ask. Though the examples found in here are based on my personal experience, feel free to apply the common sense recommended to situations and people as needed.
1) How do you handle that? Well, first of all, dumb ass, “that,” is a, “he.” He is a person. Someone’s child. My child. I spent over nine months pregnant with him and 22 hours in hard labor, trying to convince him this world was a place he would want to be. I, “handle,” him with love. He’s not an issue or a problem or a difficulty. He’s a human being, muddling through life just like everyone else.
If what you were really trying to say was more along the lines of, “I am in awe of your ability to take care of everything you have going, on a daily basis. I know your row hasn’t been the easiest to hoe and I just want you to know I admire what you accomplish and I’m here for you,” then for God’s sake, rephrase.
2) What’s wrong with your kid? Nothing – but I can see clearly that you’re an idiot.
If what you meant to ask was, “I can see you’re having a bit of a hard time here in the park with your little one. Is there any way I can assist,” then know you can assist if you pull your head out of your rear end and give the mother of the child you don’t understand a smile that conveys your support and compassion. Don’t stare. Don’t whisper. Don’t pretend like they don’t exist. Use someone else’s common sense if you don’t have any of your own.
3) Is he retarded/Is he like a retard? First, what my child’s disability is, is no business of yours. Second, your use of the, “r-word,” conveys your total and complete lack of anything approaching compassion and intelligence, which puts you into a category of people I choose not to deal with, for fear of wreaking bodily harm on your stupid ass, thereby landing myself in trouble for performing what was, essentially, a community service but is, in actuality, still against the law. It’s just a good thing for you that ignorance isn’t a crime.
If what you meant to say was…. Never mind. I don’t even care what you meant to say.
4) What about your other kids, are they special ed. too? This question has made me stutter when I’ve been presented with it. You think, because one of my children is differently-abled, it not only makes it okay for you to ask personal questions about him, but opens up all of my children to your judgmental inquiries. Just so we’re clear, it does not.
If what you meant to say went more like, “You have an incredibly beautiful son. Are all your children so blessed with charm and good looks,” I could answer that with two words. Of course.
5) Will he ever be able to live a normal life? “Normal,” as in what? You have to be more specific when making this particular boorish query.
If what you meant to say was, “Will he ever hold a job, get married and have
children,” those are still completely thoughtless, rude questions and come under the
category of none of your damn business, to whomever they are posed. God, you’re
ill-bred.
6) Is he on welfare? When my kid runs for political office, you can ask to see his tax returns and birth certificate. Till then, his means of support is private.
And again, I don’t care what you meant to ask.
7) Did you know he was going to be like this before he was born/ Why did you keep having kids when you found out something was wrong with him?
This question, for some reason, brings to mind an argument my older two daughters got into with a girl in our neighborhood when they were about 12 and 13. I don’t know what the disagreement was about originally, but it degenerated into insult hurling and the last one hurled at my girls called into question the exorbitant number of children in our family and the direct correlation my inability to keep my, “legs together,” had with the body count. The neighbor girl’s statement was hurtful and ignorant, though definitely forgivable, taking into account the fact that she was 13 and my girls had just said something equally nasty to her.
The questions listed at #7 are at least as hurtful and much more ignorant, seeing how they’ve always been posed by adults. Just for the record, I did not know my child would be born with Asperger’s, though it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. I would still have had him. As for the second question, there is nothing, “wrong,” with my son. And each of my children is a soul, born into this world to live out their divine path. Lucky for me, a part of each of their paths brought them to me. I would not be who I am without each and every one of them. Nor would they be the amazing people they are without each other.
If what you meant to say was something like, “You’re a good mom. Mark’s a good
dad and you have been very blessed with your five children,” you would be extremely
right.
So, get it right.
When you meet, or observe someone with a child who is differently-abled, be kind. Get
to know them and their child, if there is the opportunity, like you would anyone else.
Don’t ask stupid questions. The old axiom that the only stupid question is the one left
un-asked is not applicable here. There are, in fact a LOT of stupid questions. I’ve listed
but a few. They’re for reference. Don’t use them and do not make up your own.
Everything you need to know regarding these sorts of situations is contained in The
Golden Rule.
Isn’t it always?
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
itsallinadaysinsanity 